Father figures
There are priests aplenty about the place in stories; and they're not always awful
I was raised Catholic in very Catholic Ireland and, just as I became aware of what was on the news bulletins as we sat down to dinner every night, the scandal of a serial sexual abuser priest who had got away with his crimes & been hidden by his superiors brought down the Irish government in 1994. Thus was engendered in me a preference to keep well clear of the Church. As I grew older & learned more of the power wielded over the Irish population by this institution, let’s just say, that preference has been cast in iron, rooted deep into my soul and is going nowhere.
Plus, to be perfectly honest, I always found Mass boring. I once got a monumental telling-off when my mother found me reading a Nancy Drew which I had ‘hidden’ in a previously-never-even-opened prayer missal during a Sunday service. And while we’re on the subject, the canapés were too few in number, far too dry and leave a lot to be desired on the palate; I don’t care if it is supposedly The Body of Christ.
However, as the late Pope Francis proved, not all priests are truly dreadful. (And yes, I say that whilst perfectly well aware of Francis’s shortcomings. But the fact that he literally expired when faced with pure evil says a lot, I think.) I should also add a couple of my relatives are / were priests and they are / were kind, thoughtful and caring; basically what priests are supposed to be - as opposed to abusers of position, power and people.
There are some great, brave, funny and plain mad religious characters in stories from throughout the years, so here are a few to entertain you all.
TL;DR
Read My Father’s House and Conclave; watch Dogma and Calvary; listen to Blisshrooms; and watch Father Ted and Derry Girls.
READ
From what I can tell, Joseph O’Connor seems to be in the Robert Harris style of writer, in that he writes historical fiction about varying eras, but he’s Irish. His 2002 novel Star of the Sea won all sorts of awards and seems to occupy a slot on the bookshelves of most Irish homes nowadays. So when the inimitable Jo Brand recommended his more recent novel My Father’s House, I picked up a copy.
Based on a true story, it focuses on Monsignor Hugh O’Flaherty, a priest from Kerry who is working in the Vatican during World War II. The city of Rome is occupied by the Nazis and ruled over by Gestapo leader Paul Hauptmann. Under Hauptmann’s cruel and controlling nose, O’Flaherty forms an escape line - masquerading as a Choir - for escaped prisoners of war and Jews. The similarity to Harris is borne out through the novel’s suspense and tension developed as we are thrust closer & closer to a specific date and time, not knowing what is due to happen when that date and time arrive. And whilst not in any way a comedy, O’Connor’s linguistic flourishes are vivid, unique & truly Irish: so, regularly funny without trying.
One other thing of note about O’Connor, his late, great sister: Sinéad. RIP.
Given the recent Papal news coupled with the film adaptation’s success at this year’s Oscars, everyone has been raving about Conclave. I’ve not yet seen the movie but Ralph Fiennes, Stanley Tucci, John Lithgow and Isabella Rossellini? Yes please.
I have however read the book. And it’s gooood. Robert Harris can write about anything and it will always be meticulously researched and as historically accurate as possible, whilst also utterly gripping; no mean feat. This is no different; there’s no need to set the scene, it’s literally what is happening right now. The Pope dies and so a cardinal convenes a conclave to elect the new leader of the Catholic Church. Evil machinations abound, scandals are revealed and politicking priests hide secrets in the folds of their frocks. The ending however, it is “chef’s kiss” as far as twists go.
WATCH
Way back in the Year of Our Lord 1999, Kevin Smith wrote and directed Dogma.
Before you ask, you do know who Smith is, he wrote, directed, produced and starred in 1994 cult classic Clerks and is “Silent Bob” of Jay & Silent Bob fame. In this comedy fantasy, two angels (Ben Affleck & Matt Damon) are exiled from Heaven and find themselves on Earth. They are mad keen to get back into Heaven though and happen upon a loophole which can get them back through the Pearly Gates and so set off to Wisconsin in search of absolution of their sins, with plenty of obstacles getting in their way.
The rest of the cast boasts Alan Rickman, Salma Hayak and infamous atheist & comic genius George Carlin as a cardinal - you can feel the Miramax vibe off it. This movie is a brilliant embodiment of late ‘90s indie-flick quirk. Jason Lee - who is cast to a tee as an evil demon - was originally meant to play Damon’s role but Kevin Smith recast him upon seeing the bromance between Matt and Ben Affleck which so dominated Hollywood back then. Their timing with one another is pitch perfect as they are not a million miles away from the roles they wrote for themselves in Good Will Hunting.
The sad fate of this film is that it was owned by Harvey Weinstein - as Smith put it “my movie about angels is owned by the devil himself” - and so it hasn’t joined the thousands of other titles now available across different streaming platforms. It’s even out of print on DVD and I don’t think it was ever released on Blu-Ray. So use that link above to watch it…you will not regret it.
Should you live in the United States (sorry for your troubles) and fancy the full cinematic experience, Dogma will be rereleased in some cinemas on 25 June this year to mark twenty five years since the film’s release.
Between them Martin and John Michael McDonagh have written some of my favourite plays and movies: The Guard, The Lieutenant of Inishmore, In Bruges, Hangmen and this: Calvary.
The first, third and fifth titles in that previous sentence all share one particular thing in common: Brendan Gleeson in a lead role. I’d watch that man wallpaper a room. I met him once. I stood there like a gobshite and stunned into silence until someone kindly stepped in to introduce me so that Gleeson did not become afeared I was there to do harm unto him.
In Calvary, he plays Father James who has come to the priesthood later in life and has an adult daughter from his previous marriage. At the film’s outset, he takes confession from a congregant who tells him that he will kill him the following Sunday. James reports the threat to his boss Bishop Montgomery who encourages him to report the incident to the police.
James’s week then unfolds with a bleak Sword of Damocles feel to it as we know what it going to happen to him; he visits an elderly parishioner and a convicted cannibal, he relapses into drinking alcohol with horrendous results: all the while refusing to go to the police. (To sound like a real twat, if you’re into your Gabriel García Márquez, and let’s be honest, who isn’t? There’s a real feel of Chronicle of a Death Foretold to it.) As James stumbles onwards towards the inevitable the messier his life gets reflecting the fear that’s building.
I remember watching this under the impression that whilst dark, it would be funny like John Michael’s earlier effort The Guard. However, this is much darker with far less humour. It’s brutal and unyielding but still very much worth watching.
LISTEN
Have you heard the one about the priest on ‘shrooms? Well, you’re gonna wanna. Radiolab and its archive is a veritable treasure trove of fascinating and unexpected stories. Such as the 2012 episode Blisshrooms in which we learn of the Reverend Mike Young (I assume not a Catholic, but hey, I’m not fussy) who, as a theology student, took magic mushrooms during a Good Friday service at church. All of this is as mad as it sounds and gives way to a wider examination of the role of bliss in one’s life.
It may seem weird to say it: but a wholesome-ish listen for a walk one day.
WATCH
I have probably recommended both of the following titles before and I’ll be honest, it’s likely I’ll do it again. They’re both Irish, they’re both hilarious and so that warrants multiple mentions in my book.
First up, the grandaddy of funny members of the religious community: Father Ted.
It’s so on the nose with its observations of Irish stereotypes and incredible turns from the great & the good of Ireland’s acting scene in the ‘90s. Oh that Dermot Morgan were still here so we could have had more of this hilarity. Though, of course, perhaps the fact there are only three series is what makes it perfect. No jumping the shark here.
If you don’t already know, the show is about three priests living in a parochial house on the fictional Craggy Island somewhere off the wild west coast of Ireland. Ably maintained by their dedicated and persistent housekeeper Mrs Doyle, the three men are by turn: an eejit with ideas above his station and thirst for fame & money, a nitwit with the IQ of a lamppost and a startling ability to unintentionally speak wildly insightfully, and an alcoholic pervert. And I love them all.
Far more recently, but just as hilariously, Lisa McGee’s Derry Girls. What. A. Show. I think I’ve watched all three seasons at least three times. Each time it is an utter joy from the first scenes. And on the off-chance someone reading this still hasn’t watched it: for the love of all that is good & holy, please rectify that immediately.
The dynamic between the five school friends is very much how I remember life was when I was a teenager (at roughly the same time as the show): the slagging, the awkwardness, the desperate desire to be cool, the agony of having to deal with parents…life was simply constantly excruciating at all times.
But every element of this gem delivers: the level of hatred Grandad Joe has for his son-in-law (whose exquisite torture is rendered to screen immaculately by Irish comedic legend Tommy Tiernan) is truly impressive and provides some of the show’s most memorable lines across all the series. Aunt Sarah’s ditziness is offset by Mammy Mary’s core of steel - a true brunette airhead Yin to a permed blonde benevolent dictator Yang. Principal Sister Michael carries an utter disdain for the entire student body of the school over which she presides which is wondrously reminiscent of how us young people were treated in the Nineties. None of this ‘pastoral care’ or care for one’s mental health back then.
Oh & there’s also a ‘hot’ priest with floppy Hugh Grant hair. There, that’s the connection to the brief.